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fb really sucks when ppl use it to specifically like in a mean way .. ugh cant even finish the thought. ppl just suck. so much sometimes. convince themselves that its everyone else. ugh dont even know. and this is without the dislike button. just have to defriend or block those ppl and if they get mad well then theres a shocker. 

bored bored bored. absence of people. why is a card my key? too many cards i swear. everywheeeree. grr arghh coded tomorrow. yayyy yay yay. key to my roof. key to the outside. freedom at last. freedom with a key.

ill sit and wait. distract my brain. what else can i do. sometimes action is not needed. getting better. waiting. through the motions. i acted. sometimes wisely sometimes not. but i know it was the best i could do. if others cant understand.. cant make them. only hope. situations. incredibly hard in the moment. clarity usually comes later. im just me. want to fix it all. and in the process screw it all up. 

when it rains it pours. hasnt rained much. keeps pouring in my head. rather rain concretely instead. tomorrow people. where is tomorrow? only see the day. maybe someday.

satisfying poem . :) go ahead and read it dad. fuck u . :) fuck u very very much. you hate the gays you hate the straights. who dont you hate? i know you hate yourself too. answer is none. have fun with that.

paranoia is the worst.. especially when its justified. 

step

more like my stepfather

tripped me down every step

till the wind was knocked out.

and i did it myself 

rather than let you push too hard. 

ill push myself and know ill be okay.

untitled

just call me tuck everlasting. i lost track of time. thats the point. it is how you choose to measure it. for me it never existed.
just moves slower. or faster. or both. 44 yrs. add 22. 66? what does that mean.

Gram’s drawing <3 never again asleep <3
end of my world was 2012. Oct 26th. in the morning. not allowed there. only him. told that others got to visit. must have been a lie. i hope she was okay. but i know she knew too. we had the power all along.
and shes forever free. 2012 dead. reincarnated. reborn. no one can touch me now. watch me fly.

always been my dream. my dreams have all come true <3 we too often feel like icarus. but listen to this. the wings are not are own, but all ours. we make them with our heart. based on what we listen to what others say.

so if you feel like the mold. you feel like wax. make yourself liquid steel. do not listen. just listen to tuck’s wheel. if you mess up, it is not death. it is rebirth.

lifes too changeable? you change with it. change before. change after. change when YOU will it.

cuz we all are our own chameleons if we match our skins to the rainbow. dont be disturbed. get even. dont get even. get what you deserve. because you know what you say is right. even if every 7 billion say youre wrong.

you lived it. they didnt. you know they didnt. it doesnt mean your big and theyre small. it just means they cant know. nor would you want that for them.

we all know when we’re meant to. not before. and thats the point.

the wheel always turns.

she was the peacemaker. even if she couldnt always save them now. or herself.

she found the way to move the wheel.

she taught me about life. about love and hope and good. never evil. only how to beat it.

she was my friend. she was my mother. my father too. she was my family. if you only knew.

i didnt even know. but i knew all alone. without her where would i be?? id already be gone.

instead she died for me. always for everyone. she knew it was time. told me not to be afraid.

all she asked was that i dance. everyday. in every way.

so if you dont understand just understand.

i need to do what she wanted for me.

what i always always wanted and knew was myself.

I love you eternally gram. <3

JoAnn Caira RIP eternal never the period always apostrophe

guardian angel. red parachute. drifting slowly. 20? 20?

you were the one i wanted to protect. you were the one it didnt affect. dress like a boy. act like a man. he wont see through the lies. not a true man.

seperate we’re more than him. together we’d win. just wish they knew. but they have no clue. only i change my glasses. i change the lense. today is contacts.

change perspective. change personality.

change my mind.

i can change the words. 

change my body.

change the eyes. change the actions. change the lies.

if my form is shown. with the correct information

he’ll walk away slowly. 

never sees the copy i hide.

today is both. today is none. i must adapt. i must survive. make him pay. if only through my eyes.

please hear. we both have perfect vision.

so perfect its so different. look through my lense. i promise ill look through yours. just give me your trust. drop through the floors. 

they are made of glass. and i fell on the cement. drowning and choking. that was what he meant.

but it wont happen to you. im already here.

if you fall through too. heres some butterbeer! ;)

it cushions the blow. but cant make it sweeter.

just let me know

tell me your thoughts

i show you my core.

ill take your core thoughts but will you someday show me more?

i dont want that for you. to believe his lies. if you do.. a part of you dies.

trust me i know. isnt this pretty clear?

just look through to my prescription. i

open a window. go to italy as he says

toss out our sick addiction.

this is a new year.

look at the patterns. look at the dates. look at the words. look at the numbers

october so soon

year anniversary.

senior year of college.

senior year of high school

i tried to progess. but knew that was what he wanted.

failed the right tests. moved too far back

he knew why so he made me leave

same as you. online test.

but i finally got out. he would have never let me go.

black widower spider . please belief

he is not a tarantula. those you can see.

this one you know by the small hr glass

telling you your time is ticking. ticking.

constant alarms so id hear the ticking

controlling time was his favorite activity

i hate the alarms. want them no more

ive flipped for bells. they open every door

piano and bells. they clear my soul. 

he tried to play but he had none.

no music inside. only logic.

so he cannot play. forces others.

seconds from death. you cant understand

your pain is valid.

but what about mine?

do you know what its like

to be a woman and never feel right?

society and family tell you its true

i am a whore.

i am a shrew

i know its a lie. i can finally see

but before i believed it. that was me

seconds from death. 

at my own hands. this way it will be better?

i wont hurt them. i wont hurt myself.

i call the police where is the trail? 

no witnesses except myself. 

so why bother. ill put my mind on the shelf.

ill look through yours. i promise. but mine has never been seen.

do you know what that means?

. i always knew i had 20/20. how else was it so clear? too clear for everyday. its better this way. hindsights 20/20 i know. but yours was always negative. not saw what could. saw what wood. saweed through the door. never knocked real. no doors . no locks. only when it knew.

the wood was fake. no warmth inside.

perfect copy.

needs antiques and yards to search out others. no aura in in sight. no real might.

the pen is mightier than the sword. which do think he always chose?

gave me a pen. rifle on the sleeve. riffle in his belt. rifle in his bed.

slept on the couch. gun on each corner. guns in the closet.

knives left out

what is the message? what is the vibe?

i should kill myself. if only to hide.

he knows i should too thats why he leaves them. dishes in the sink. knives pointed up.

mind going crazy. knives on the very edge.

violent and sick.. no wait thats my mind?

he knows no one believes me. i just went through a horrible trauma right?

so horrible i can only feel alive when beaten. dead when he looks at me.

both options are wrong. i refuse his only “gifts”

instead ill make my own

"hide in your own little world with your brother"

yes lora you are right. i did

made my own world. always offered you breadcrumbs

followed you to see. followed you to show.

but you locked me in the closet. tried to wake you with a slap. you only saw the pain.

woke you with water. crystalized. nh snow. as children. you cried and ran back to him. so i stood alone and cried for your soul.

believe in true life michael. you beauty and pain always brought me to tears.

you are an angel. ruler of them all. thats why satan fears you.

i know this is drama. but drama makes it real.

punch to the gut. easier than the mind.

i made my own world. of fiction family and friends.

but he ruined it too.

corrupted my world. did his research

so i escaped from the house. again and again and found reality.

not just school but friends

not just friends but love.

offered my world . made it beautiful but you would only step in and out. one foot in both doors. i want them gone.

manipulation is its only key. locked no doors. feared no evil. how could it fear itself?

psalm 23 i knew was the key. the number 23. perfet scary sense. senses alarmed. it was alarming. had to wake myself up every ten mins. what did i know. what did i not.

give myself clues. thats not the right spot. half awake. fully out. you walked in the door. my mind would drift. gave me the answer.cheating on every test. i failed the right ones. passed and aced. Atttt. gave me the mace. rewards and hints. hints and twists. trying to test. reward better and worse than all the rest. i know what you were saying. the answer is no. i wont become you. that is what i NO.

you trained me to train myself. i took what you offered. smashed the whole house. yes ill have this. yes ill take that. i know what it means. that is my tact. you cannot fool. it was real pride. that is the point. in pride you can never truly hide. so you taught me to run. as you lived your life. run from the facts. run from the ppl. you never had shelter.

you may not be him. but what you are not i know. you are not human. you are not my father.

my father was always there. i told him my secrets. i told him the lie. i told him the truth. he saved me. when no one else would. he was my friend. he was my rock. he was my heart. my soul and my blanket. security behind. security in front. all sides surrounded. you must have known.

wherever i am you never could go. so you stayed back looking for me to show you a weakness. instead you showed me yours. unintentions made tentional still by accident. you made me invincible. shared enough, didnt share too little. i saw through each. wittled it down. till i knew who you were

i saw the core. nothing was there. supermassive black hole., so i changed my hair. 

surround yourself with wood. your humor is pedestrian. they see through it in the windows. the red flag is ther. 

wood for warmth. but you gave it its chill. 

i lived in a glass house. you could not enter

hated it but hid. 

there i found every lie. 

felt the love in the mirrors.

the love in the lies.

the love in thyn eyes

vines slowly coming. 

behind the beautiful ivy.

but the vines made them tighter. 

till i stopped breathing.

but the ivy was there. and so were you. made me see what was really true. 

please see my plea. i know not how to find your key. just show me the door. show me a window. ill open the crack. push through with loving light. we were seperate. to ever fight.

the war plan is diff with each person. for u and i. but i and u. never ever. your soul sickens me. wait for it to die completely. no spak is there. its all a lie. i wish they could see but i cannot prove

only the feeling . only the louvre. 

you knew enough to fake. information is weapons. weapons become information. thats what u taught but never love. but you surrounded love with others. it was your boxing glove.

i wish i could tell them. i hate that hes still dreaming. i just want to wake him. never wake a sleepwalker. he wont understand . it will only get worse.

i have to be his shephard instead. let the others lead her. love is our guide. love is the pointer. theyll see eventually but who else will be hurt?

i pray its not him. 

but prayers arent always answered.

this my eyes have come together to see as truth.

that part i hate. constant reproof.

what do i do? i ask but only i know.

i dont have the answer. so only the truth will i show.